BIPOLAR: Letter to self; now I’m not high

Hi FBM,

This is a letter to me as I have come down from a bipolar high now.

I thought I was being productive during my high, but my husband says I started things then would get distracted (word in a song distracted me etc) then he had a to finish what I started or clean up the trail of different project i started. I also thought i could be a social media strategist and contacted old colleagues and due to my other health concerns (fibromyalgia/ psoriatic arthritis) it is something i can’t do and feel bad and don’t want to respond to the colleague. My husband has also endured me trying this in the past and then crashing about 2 months in due to health and having to leave the job so it is a vicious cycle.

I feel I’m meant to do something big with my life (be it work wise or be a mum or both) and when I am high I feel I am achieving this but people/ family etc say I am being erratic and not being productive.  The problem is I don’t really remember what i did while i was high, it strange I’m not sure what happen and what I built up in my mind, such as sometime I thought people were talking about me but it was just me over thinking a situation. And I don’t remember the projects I started, I sometime carry a note book around when I’m high as I think I need to write down all the important, big thoughts down that i have but often I am too busy jumping from one project to the next to write the thoughts down.

Sometime when i come down I feel like the medication is holding me back, making me just blaa and not the productive self i  feel i am when i’m high. It does suck with my other health problem that I have no energy when I come down. I wish I could keep some of the energy I get from the high but not have the erratic behaviour.

Straight after I come down from a high, I feel embarrassed as I can’t remember what I did when I was high and I don’t know if I made a fool of myself in-front of people or if I embarrassed my husband. I also feel like I am not performing well in my job and get an over whelming feeling that I need to leave before anyone else notices I am not doing well. However on reflection I am just being really critical of my self and I am generally doing fine in my job, no one has noticed a change. Sometime if I just push through everything settles down and the feeling goes and I feel more comfortable at work again.

Also sometime I feel like it is groundhog day after a high, I feel like the situation or quotes I do at work I have done before really recently but I don’t recognised the people so I feel people are testing me eg. husband or family, to see how I act in the situation and the person an actor- however my family doesn’t have the budget to send lot of actor into my work and they know I am a very personal people and would not want anyone at work involved in me coming down or knowing that i’m coming down, as I like to keep my personal stuff separate from work. Also at work I do the same quotes and jobs all the time so it is just built up in my head and is probably just another customer wanting a quote.

So even though I don’t know what I want to do work wise, and my health prevents me from sometime doing hobbies to fine out, the situation is not too bad- I have a loving husband, a dog, a cat, a supportive family and i’m still young so I have time to figure it out.

So if you are feeling confused or down, read this and remember the high isn’t as good as it seems, the medication is helping me keep my current job and allowing me time where i’m not erratic to figure out what I want, and my family loves me and are there to help if I just call them or check in with them

I love you

xxx

 

 

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